Jul 6, 2007

GOTTA GET WHAT iWANT

By Malcolm Fleschner / Humor Columnist

As a newspaper columnist, I am both professionally and legally obligated to dedicate extensive coverage to this past week's two major releases: the new iPhone from Apple and Paris Hilton from the Los Angeles County jail. If only Steve Jobs had listened to my advice and included an electronic home arrest ankle monitor feature with the iPhone, I could have killed two birds with one column! Yet people still insist on referring to him, and not me, as a "visionary."

Of course, my task would be a lot easier if Apple had provided me with a pre-release iPhone to review. Sadly, my name did not make the short list of four "elite" journalists that Apple deemed worthy of this honor. From the company's perspective, limiting the number of review items sent out makes good business sense, for as the old Silicon Valley saying goes:

"Four elite journalists selected to receive free, highly coveted, first-generation technology products are four elite journalists who know enough to write favorable reviews if they expect to make the list to receive free, highly coveted second-generation technology products."

I suppose I could have joined the crowds of people lining up outside the nation's Apple stores for iPhones, but all this excitement over being first to own the latest whiz-bang technology, whether it's the iPhone, the Wii game system or a refrigerator that automatically retrieves beer, tends to get me down.

Mainly, it's because I remember a time not so long ago when people used to regularly gather together in much the same way, but not for some crass purpose like being the first to buy some gadget; we did it for a cause, to stand up for something we believed in, because we wanted to be the first to see the latest "Star Wars" movie.

Admittedly, part of my frustration stems from living in the Bay Area, where the local media go crazy every time Jobs releases so much as a bodily emission. But I also think the iPhone frenzy reflects that most common of human shortcomings - the erroneous belief that all of one's problems can be solved by buying something, whether it's the latest hot gadget, a flashy sports car, an expensive piece of jewelry or an experimental cancer treatment.

This same impulse drives the success of the infomercial industry, which is why the nation's basements are currently overflowing with NordicTracs, thousands of bottles of "miracle" diet pills, Thigh Masters, motivational cassette tapes and, since all of those failed to live up to their promises, do-it-yourself home liposuction machines.

Most infomercials air late at night, which is probably the time scientific studies have shown when people are most susceptible. That's certainly been my experience. After all, it's only at 3 a.m. when I can't sleep and I'm watching TV that I ever see an ad and think to myself, "Truck driving school - what a great idea!"

There's also the fact that the kind of people likely to be up watching late-night television may not have a whole lot otherwise going on in their lives. On the lookout for something - anything - to help change their luck, they're more likely to see an infomercial and think to themselves, "Yeah, that's just what I need to turn my life around - a Miracle Mop!"

Frankly, I'd love to hear about some poor schmo whose dreams actually did come true after making a timely infomercial purchase. Then, naturally, his story would be turned into yet another infomercial:

"Hi, I'm Doug Wimplefester, and my life was going nowhere, I had no job, no money, no girlfriend and no prospects."

(cut to a grainy photo of Doug, 30 pounds heavier, sitting on a dingy sofa listlessly watching TV and eating cookie dough straight from the squeeze tube)

"But then I bought a Miracle Mop, and everything changed. I got a great job ..."

(cut to video footage of Doug holding the mop in his left hand while using the other to shake hands with a man in a suit, who says, "Very impressive interview, Mr. Wimplefester. Or, should I say, Mr. Executive Vice President.")

"I met a great girl and got married ..."
(cut to a wedding photo of Doug and his beautiful bride gazing adoringly at the mop)

"And I even won the Nobel Prize!"

(cut to footage of Doug and the mop standing at a podium, both being given large medals)

"Thanks, Miracle Mop!"

Well, all I can say to anyone who waited in line outside an Apple store last weekend, I hope your new iPhone lives up to the hype, and that your life is now uncomplicated, your phone calls clearer, your Web surfing faster, your sperm count higher (men only), etc. But if not, don't worry, another new hot gadget will be coming out real soon. And well, in the meantime, there's always truck driving school.

Even if you don't have an iPhone, I will still stoop to read any e-mails you send to Malcolm@CultureShlock.com.