Jun 29, 2007

Detached at the hip

By Malcolm Fleschner / Humor Columnist

As avid readers of parenting blogs already know, the latest fad among many of the nation's more forward-thinking moms and dads is to be a "hip" parent. These are the folks who are determined not to let a little thing (literally) like having children stop them from continuing to enjoy an active lifestyle of clubbing, seeing live music, wearing the latest fashions, leading double lives as international jewel thieves, etc.

So, do I qualify as a hip parent? Sure, I admit that with three young children in the house it would be easy to lose touch with everything going on in the world of pop culture.

Yet somehow I manage to remain attuned, for example, to all the latest hot music releases, whether from such top artists as The Wiggles and Veggie Tales, to a truly cutting-edge performer like Elmo.

OK, so maybe I'm not all that "with it." (One sign: I use a term like "with it.") The sad reality is that my wife and I haven't even gone to the movies once since our first child was born. And now the problem is that, with such a long stretch between theater visits, I've grown reluctant to break the streak for anything short of an epic cinematic experience.

"Yeah, we hadn't been to the movies for five years, but last week we finally broke down. But as I'm sure you'll agree, the big screen is really essential when you want to fully enjoy a true masterpiece like 'You, Me and Dupree.'"

The trend toward hip parenting notwithstanding, many of us are simply too busy dealing with pureed foods, play dates and potty training (also known as "the three P's of parenting") to monitor everything going on in the world of movies, TV and music. At a get-together last week, I realized just how out of touch I'd become when I found myself unable to name five prominent celebrities currently serving time in prison.

Those of us who don't often see new releases in the theater can always catch up a few months later by watching the DVDs. Unfortunately, this dynamic results in a two-tiered society where all the hip parents can talk openly about the plot twists in the latest Hollywood blockbuster while the rest of us have to politely suggest that since we haven't seen that film yet would they please mind shutting the hell up.

But the worst manifestation is with an HBO program like "The Sopranos." Non-HBO subscribers typically have to wait a year or more until the network's shows are released on DVD, all the while making a concerted effort not to accidentally find out how Tony Soprano's therapy is going, whether he and Carmela are still together, or who most recently got whacked and dismembered with a rusty fish knife.

Through practice I've learned to avoid TV critics, who love talking about "The Sopranos" so much they can't hear the expression "bada boom, bada bing" without spontaneously wetting themselves. And if anyone even casually asks whether I've seen a recent episode I instantly cover both ears and hum loudly until the person leaves the room. This also works for getting out of jury duty, by the way.

So with all the attention surrounding last week's "Sopranos" series finale, I knew to shift into bunker mode by shunning entertainment television shows, adjusting my car radio presets exclusively to Spanish language stations and answering the phone with "Hello, DON'T TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED ON 'THE SOPRANOS'! Fleschner residence."

So, imagine my dismay to have the show's ending given away by, of all people, Hillary Clinton, whose video segment spoofing the Sopranos finale to promote her new presidential campaign theme song was all over the media last week. Excuse me, Mrs. Clinton, I know you're not much of one for "traditional values," but where I come from we believe in a little thing called the "spoiler alert," thank you very much.

Worse, however, than the unwanted disclosure of the show's ending, is having to face the notion that a sitting senator might be more aware of the latest pop cultural goings-on than I am. After all, politicians are notorious for being oblivious about the world outside of Washington. This is why they're so often confused by recent technological innovations, and wind up marveling in wide-eyed wonder over a bar code scanner, falling off a Segway scooter or neglecting to use an alias when exchanging lurid instant messages with underage congressional pages.

Having realized that even Hillary Clinton is more in touch than I am, I've decided it's time to stop trying to keep up with the hip parents. But thanks to this experience with "The Sopranos," I've also learned not to get angry at other parents who talk about movies and TV shows I haven't seen yet. From now on I'll just whack 'em instead.

Malcolm Fleschner can be reached by e-mail at [Spoiler Alert!] Malcolm@CultureShlock.com