Jun 15, 2007

You say it's your birthday?

By Malcolm Fleschner / Humor Columnist

Before getting to the topic of this week's column, I'd first like to take a moment to wish you, the reader, a very happy birthday. Whenever it was. Or will be. And I say this in all sincerity, and not in some crass attempt to guilt anyone reading this column into remembering my birthday (March 24). Although just in case, my jacket size is a 40R and my hand size is ideal for holding one of those new iPhones.

Of course, remembering a person's birthday, particularly when he or she doesn't remember yours, can be a fun little power trip. It works best if that person's birthday takes place soon after yours, so you can rub it in a little:

"Forget your birthday? Perish the thought! I just hope your birthday is as wonderful as mine was. As my birthday was, I mean. The birthday I had last week, that is."

Short of buying a present, come birthday time the best way to show what a thoughtful person you are is with a store-bought card. One option is the traditional, sentimental card, typically featuring a large, soft-focus rose on the cover. What's best about these cards is that the lettering is usually so elaborately designed that recipients are unable to read what's printed inside, which is just as well since these nauseatingly sappy messages have been shown to induce vomiting in lab rats.

The other option is a "funny" birthday card. Except, as you may have noticed, these days the humor in such cards almost always involves some reference to how decrepit the recipient is or comically suggests that the fire department be on hand to monitor the lighting of so many candles on the birthday cake. Ha! I guess I'm no longer in Hallmark's target buying demographic, but I frankly don't appreciate receiving a birthday card that essentially says, "Hey, you old coot - if you manage to get this card before you keel over and die, quite possibly from trying to blow out all those candles, have a happy birthday. It's probably your last!"

Here I should also address the issue of that workplace scourge, the office birthday card. This is a perfectly well-intentioned endeavor, I suppose, but a problem arises when you have to write a personal note to a co-worker you may only know as "That guy in accounting with the weird facial tic," or "The woman who always seems to bump into me just as I'm coming out of the bathroom."

If you're one of the last office members to sign the card, someone like my old co-worker Debbie will have no doubt beaten you to the punch with her favorite admonition, "Don't eat too much cake!" On such occasions, just do what I always used to: draw an arrow to her comment and write, "Don't listen to Debbie - she just selfishly wants to keep all the cake for herself. It's your birthday, you eat as much damn cake as you want!"

Faced with all the problems associated with store-bought cards, it's no wonder so many prospective well-wishers have turned to the convenience and simplicity of e-cards. Recipients, on the other hand, are often less enthusiastic about these online missives. After all, sending an e-card does not require the same kind of effort as running into a store at the mall in such haste that you mistakenly wind up getting great-aunt Millie a card congratulating her on her recent Bar Mitzvah.

But what's most important about a real-live greeting card isn't what's on the front or even the inside. Because what a store-bought card communicates, in a way that no e-card possibly could, is the heartfelt message that "Your birthday was important enough for me to spend $2.95. Or if I happened to get this card in Canada, $3.95."

Sadly, sometimes you simply will not be able to get your act together in time to buy a card to honor your loved one's special day. Hey, don't beat yourself up; these things happen. It's not like there's a special place reserved in hell for people like you. There is, however, a special place reserved for people like you in the greeting card store: specifically, the "belated" birthday card section.

To their credit, "belated" birthday cards do shift the focus away from the recipient's rapidly approaching demise, instead, typically commenting on what a loser the sender is for being such a slacker. But this is the wrong approach. For couldn't this year's terribly tardy birthday card just as easily be viewed as next year's extremely early birthday card?
If Hallmark asks me, that's the primary change I'll suggest they make to their cards. That and to move the price from the back to the front of the card, so that friends and relatives will always know just how thoughtful and generous we card-buyers are.

To find out what the topic of this column was supposed to be, e-mail Malcolm at Malcolm@CultureShlock.com.