Jun 1, 2007

Road rage rises alongside gas prices

By Malcolm Fleschner / Humor Columnist

Well, the summer driving season is almost upon us and many families are feverishly preparing for summer road trips by selling as much excess plasma as the kids can produce. For, as you may have noticed, gasoline has become a little pricey lately. As evidence one need point only to the nation's gas stations, where motorists filling up can routinely be seen weeping openly as the pumps ring up each successive $10 increment.

In a recent radio address, President Bush weighed in, reassuring the American public that he is aware of the problem. "I realize gas prices are high," he said, "but I want my fellow Americans to know that I am taking action. To save the taxpayers money, Laura and I have decided that in presidential motorcades, our dog Barney will no longer get to travel in his own limousine."

The sad reality is that higher gas prices appear to be with us for good, and we have little choice but to adjust. Possible steps may include driving slower, taking public transportation more frequently, carpooling and, for oil company executives, freeing up a few tanker ships to store all the excess profits they're making off us.

Then again, good driving is, after all, an ongoing process of adjusting - adjusting the rear view mirror before you pull out of the driveway, adjusting to changing road conditions, adjusting for THIS IDIOT SWERVING ALL OVER THE ROAD WHO NEEDS TO STOP PICKING HIS NOSE AND START PICKING A &%$#@ LANE!

One important roadway adjustment many of us have had to make is adapting to different regional driving standards. I grew up in Boston, a place where folks visiting from other parts of the country assume there are no driving rules. This is not true, however. In fact, we have very specific codes defining appropriate conduct for cars on the road. Or on the sidewalk, as the case may be.

For example, let's say you're waiting behind another car to make a left turn at a light. If the other driver takes too long (defined as anything more than "One Mississippi"), the unwritten rule is for you to steer around to the right of the offending vehicle and cut in front to make the left turn first, preferably while leaning on the horn and shouting your choice thoughts on the other driver's mental acuity and/or physical shortcomings. Wait too long to act, however, and you'll likely receive a little encouragement from the driver behind you in the form of a jarring tap on the bumper.

Other Boston driving rules I learned include:

- If you believe hard enough, any lane can be the "passing lane."
- If the driver in front of you made it through the yellow light, so can you. And so can the driver behind you.
- Ambulances and fire trucks make excellent traffic escorts.
- There is no such thing as a "no turn" lane.
- Flagrant violation of traffic laws in pursuit of a choice parking spot is no vice.

I remember in my driver's ed class, the final exam included a question about the proper positioning of the driver's hands on the steering wheel, the multiple choice options being "10 and 2 o'clock," "9 and 3 o'clock" or "8 and 4 o'clock." I recognized this as a trick question, and wrote in my answer, "6 o'clock,' preferably using the left knee so as to free up both hands for making obscene gestures at the other drivers." Of course I got an "A."

Problems arose about 20 years ago, however, when I moved to California and had to adjust to a more laid-back driving style. My wife, a California native, has admitted that the first time she let me drive her anywhere, she was so terrified that she was almost sure she would not survive the ride. And that was in a golf cart.

I also recall her coming home one day after getting stuck in traffic, frustrated over the behavior of another driver. "I just hate it when I let someone cut in front of me and I don't get a 'thank-you' wave. It's so rude," she fumed.

"I can see why that would be irritating," I answered, trying to sympathize. "But just one thing - what do you mean, exactly, that you let someone 'cut in front' of you?"

With her help, however, I've learned to be more of a "defensive" driver, so-called because whenever I'm back in Massachusetts I'm forced to explain to all of my old friends why I now drive "like such a wuss."

Of course, if gas prices continue to rise, we may all have to forgo much of our driving in favor of walking and biking. Thankfully, the exercise will do us good. It should particularly help our kids build their plasma levels back up.

Got some particularly colorful expressions you like to lob at other motorists? Malcolm Fleschner is all ears at Malcolm@CultureShlock.com.