May 11, 2007

God save the Queen — from us

By Malcolm Fleschner / Humor Columnist

OK, everyone, the coast is clear - we can all finally exhale. Queen Elizabeth II has returned to England, having concluded her whirlwind U.S. tour including stops in Jamestown, Va., Louisville for the Kentucky Derby, Washington, D.C., and, of course, a quick trip to Coney Island to compete in the annual Nathan's Famous hot dog-eating contest.

Frankly, I'm more than a little disappointed at the way many of my fellow Americans went all atwitter like schoolgirls over this rare transatlantic visit from the aging British monarch. This past Monday morning a reported 7,000 invited guests lined up on the White House lawn just for the opportunity to catch a glimpse of someone who, as far as I can ascertain, has never even appeared on a reality TV show.

One of the problems with any royal visit is that Americans remain woefully ignorant of the arcane and precise rules governing how common folk are supposed to interact with a British monarch. And so, ahead of the queen's arrival, officials at each stop distributed etiquette pamphlets, directing members of the local yokelry meeting the queen to address her as "Your Majesty," avoid extended eye contact, wait for her to initiate handshakes and, one's enthusiasm at meeting a royal personage notwithstanding, to avoid dropping to one's knees and shouting out a Wayne's World-inspired "I'm not worthy! I'm not worthy!"

This educational blitz was necessary, of course, because etiquette in general is not exactly Americans' strong suit. Despite the decades Miss Manners has spent donning her white gloves and trying to slap the American public into proper behavior, she continues to field inquiries like the following:

"Dear Miss Manners,
Every week at church the service is repeatedly interrupted by a man who noisily blows his nose, belches, munches on peanuts and God knows what else. This past Sunday he even took off his shoes in the middle of the sermon and started clipping his toenails! Is it better to confront this gentleman directly, or should I just tell his wife that this sort of conduct is inappropriate for a minister?"

But just because some Americans may occasionally make minor social gaffes like eating soup with a teaspoon, resting their elbows on the table or using a serving fork to scratch those "hard-to-reach" areas, I don't think we have anything to be ashamed of. After all, isn't opposition to this sort of pomp and deference to royalty one of the reasons our forefathers fought a revolution? It is a little-known fact that the Boston Tea Party enraged Britain's King George III not because the colonists were engaging in an act of rebellion by pouring British tea into Boston Harbor, but rather because while doing so they pointedly refused to extend their pinkies.

Well, Queen Elizabeth may be gone, but in an effort to assist her, or any other royals who may visit our shores at some future date, I would like to offer my own short list of all-American etiquette tips:

1. The High Five
As opposed to a royal handshake with Your Majesty, a "high five" may be initiated by either party at an appropriately auspicious moment, such as when one discovers an unopened bag of pork rinds crammed between the sofa cushions or after a player for a favorite football team tackles the opposing quarterback, driving him so deeply into the turf that all that remains visible above the ground is a single twitching leg.

Bear in mind, however, that it is generally considered poor form to ignore a proffered high five, a faux pas that will inevitably result in the monarch's being told, "Don't leave me hanging, dude." However, if the initiator of the high five is the type who tends to do so to commemorate even the most mundane of events, Your Highness is free to attempt to curtail this behavior by replying, "Dude, enough with the high fives already."

2. Eye Contact
While Americans generally appreciate eye contact, there remains one important exception to this rule. If Your Highness happens to be driving and cuts off another motorist, eye contact is thoroughly discouraged, as it will be interpreted as a sign of guilt on the part of Your Majesty. It also risks exposing Your Highness to the possibility of witnessing an unseemly display that may offend your regal person's delicate sensibilities.

3. Terms of Address
Speaking of which, here in the United States the term "Your Highness" is used almost exclusively in a derisive fashion, such as when a waitress says, "You found a fingernail in your macaroni salad? OK, there, it's out. Are you happy now, your highness?"

By following these, and other simple guidelines I have yet to think up, I'm confident that even the most dignified monarch can rapidly become every bit as ill-mannered as the average American. And then it's time for that reality show appearance.

Malcolm Fleschner enjoys receiving reader e-mails at Malcolm@CultureShlock.com. Don't leave me hanging, dudes.