Apr 6, 2007

No time like father time

By Malcolm Fleschner / Humor Columnist

There's no question that, compared with previous generations, today's dads are much more involved in their kids' lives. My research into American family life suggests that during the 1960s and '70s, fathers' only real child-rearing responsibilities involved mediating unresolved disputes among the children, and then sometimes offering a wry, knowing comment before the credits rolled. I should note here that "my research" consists primarily of the thousands of hours I spent in childhood watching reruns of "Leave it to Beaver," "The Brady Bunch" and "Father Knows Best."

But while dads today are assuming greater child care responsibilities, we are still a long way from sharing parenting duties equally with moms. According to one recent survey, the average American father still only spends seven minutes a day of "quality time" with his children. To put this number in context, the same American father spends more than half an hour every day managing his fantasy baseball team. And that's just in the offseason.

The upside to fathers' modest contribution to raising kids is that we benefit from low expectations. The best comparison I can think of is with President Bush during the 2000 presidential campaign. For weeks prior to the first debate with then vice president Al Gore, Bush's handlers worked tirelessly to downplay expectations for Bush's performance, explaining that as more of a "big picture" guy, Bush couldn't be expected to know "specific policy details," "all the ins and outs of the legislative process" or "exactly how many states are in the union." By the time the debate finally rolled around, Bush was widely credited with "winning" just because he didn't drool on the lectern or refer to former soviet premier Mikhail Gorbachev as, "that Russky guy, you know, old Splotchy-face McGee."

It's the same for American dads. After handling 100 percent of the responsibility of carrying and birthing the children, moms might expect to take it easy for a while. But no, for the most part mothers are still entirely on the hook for feeding, clothing, bathing and potty training the kids, not to mention providing homework help, shuttling them to and from activities, berating dad for not helping more with the kids, etc. Meanwhile, on those rare occasions when dad begrudgingly agrees to change a diaper ("number one" only, of course), he will typically emerge from the baby's room expecting to be treated with the same adulation accorded to the Allied troops liberating Paris from the Germans in World War II.

Still, just seven minutes? We dads have to do better than that. After all, studies consistently show that a father's involvement is a key determining factor in critical areas of childhood development like self-esteem, academic performance and the ability to make disgusting noises with a range of body parts.

I should note that these findings are often disputed, primarily by the National Association of Deadbeat Dads (NADD). I contacted the NADD headquarters for comment, but only got an outgoing answering machine message stating that the organization had moved, leaving no forwarding address, then adding, "Besides, it don't matter since you ain't got no proof that baby's mine!"

At the very least, I'm proud to say I'm doing my part. Not only do I consider spending time with my kids important, but it's also essential for my wife to get away from the stress of family life once in a while for a little "me time." Or, as she calls it, "going to the dentist."

The point is that our three preschool-aged kids get to spend that important quality time with dad, while my wife gets to take it easy for a little while, at least until the kids realize she's gone and then start inundating her with calls on the cell phone every five minutes or so begging her to come home right away.

Sadly, not all fathers share my commitment to parenting. But if the goal is to encourage fathers to spend more quality time with their kids, maybe the best idea is simply to redefine what "quality time" means. For example, many dads these days view reading to children as a drag, mainly because books with titles like "Fuzzy, the Cute Little Fluffy Bunny Learns to Cuddle" become a tad predictable sometime around the eight thousandth go-round. So instead, why not read them material you're more interested in, like the sports pages? Or better yet, a book with genuine educational value, such as "21 Insider's Tips to Picking Racehorses?"

My hope is that by taking this approach, dads will start spending less time on non-kid-related activities and make their children the top priority in their lives. Because, frankly, that's the only way my fantasy baseball team is going anywhere this year.

E-mail Malcolm Fleschner at Malcolm@CultureShlock.com for other fathering tips, like how to do the "pull my finger" trick with your toes.