Mar 23, 2007

Hoops, I did it again

Malcolm Fleschner / Humor Columnist

What I want to know is, can't the nation's advertisers leave a single holiday alone, or must every last day on the calendar be reduced to yet one more crass opportunity to sell us their junk? Christmas, of course, was hopelessly commercialized long ago. And while experts differ on the date St. Patrick's Day stopped being an authentic tribute to Irish culture, most agree that it coincided roughly with the release of the so-called "Shamrock Shake."

Presidents' Day is another good example. I worry that with so much focus on the "blowout" sales on everything from electronics to mattresses, we as a society are in grave danger of forgetting that this holiday is supposed to be about honoring two of the greatest presidents in the nation's history, Abraham Lincoln and, um, that other guy, George Jefferson or whatever.

With this track record, it should come as no surprise that advertisers have set their sights on one of the few time-honored American celebrations that has so far managed to remain free of the foul stink of commercialism. Of course at this time of year I can only be talking about one thing: the NCAA men's basketball tournament.

A three-week-long celebration of "Cinderella" stories, buzzer-beaters and regular use of non-English words like "collegiately" and "ath-a-lete," the NCAA tournament has steadily risen in popularity to become one of the nation's most watched sporting events. In fact, according to some estimates, "March Madness" now captures nearly as much of the public's attention as such other high-profile athletic contests as the Super Bowl and the Who's Anna Nicole Smith's Baby's Daddy DNA-off.

Of course, no news report on March Madness would be complete without a reference to how much the tournament will cost employers in lost worker productivity, which this year the outplacement firm Challenger, Gray and Christmas famously estimates at $1.2 billion. Some contend, however, that this figure may be somewhat inflated because the company, according to one critic, "just pulls these numbers right out of their a----."

The firm's chief executive John Challenger is willing to admit that his figures may not be 100 percent accurate. Still, he argues, lost productivity during the NCAA tournament is a topic that demands further investigation, even if that involves, as he puts it, "still more free publicity for the outplacement firm Challenger, Gray and Christmas."

So why has the NCAA tournament become such a fixation? Perhaps it's our appreciation for all the heart and determination demonstrated by these talented young players. Or it might be the excitement of reliving our own college experiences cheering on our old alma maters.

Then again, maybe it's the fact that so many of us have filled out our office pool "brackets" and stand to win hundreds of bucks IF THESE %*@&#!$ WOULD JUST GET OFF THEIR @%*#$ and PLAY A LITTLE %*@#!%& DEFENSE, FOR $#!%'s SAKE!

Whoops. Sorry, got a little carried away there. But that's just the way it goes with "March Madness," so named for the clinically diagnosed condition whereby otherwise mentally stable individuals can be driven to the brink of insanity by the incessant squeaking of basketball shoes on a gym floor.

But getting back to my point, it just doesn't seem like too much to ask for the nation's advertisers to let fans enjoy the tournament in peace. Many of us are in a fragile state, after all, what with suddenly discovering that our financial future may be riding on the success of a team from some obscure college like Hicksville State, St. Balthazar or Central Southwestern Texas Polytechnic International University.

But instead we face the usual barrage of tournament-themed ads declaring that "March Madness has arrived" at your local Toyota dealer, appliance superstore, bail bondsman, methamphetamine dealer, etc. Frankly, why any commercial establishment would consider a store-wide case of insanity a strong selling point I'll never understand.

Wife: Honey, you know how I've been talking about getting a new settee? Well, I saw in the paper that Crazy Carl's Cavalcade of Couches is having a big sale.

Husband: Didn't you hear? Crazy Carl barricaded himself on the roof of his store with a rifle. He's taking pot shots at all the cars passing on the street below and says he won't come down until his pet rhesus monkey is named emperor of the planet Neptune.

Wife: For 70 percent off all the leather items in stock, I'll take my chances. Besides, we can just park down the block and walk."

Then again, maybe I'm just bitter because this year my brackets went south on the tournament's first day. Ah well, I've learned my lesson. Next year I'll know better than to pick as my champion a long-shot team from a school named for some guy I've never heard of. But in the meantime, thanks for nothing, George Washington University.

Malcolm Fleschner appreciates reader suggestions for how he can get over March Madness before his Baseball Fever kicks in at Malcolm@CultureShlock.com.